Happy Monday!

[MichaelS]

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. Its called the stock market – Jay Leno

2. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.

3. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.

4. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any e-mails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it - Jay Leno

5. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favourite candy bar - Jay Leno

6. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's.


NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use

[mango67]

Hilarious !