Financial Jokes

[capsmart]

Psychology is the science of the soul. Psyche is the soul in Greek.
So a nice joke can be a good thing for the soul.
Here are some

A long term investment is a short term investment that failed.

It was so cold today I saw a stockbroker with his hands in his own pockets.

I'm thinking of leaving my husband, complained the broker's wife. "All he ever does is stand at the end of the bed and tell me how good things are going to be."

Three econometricians went out hunting, and came across a large deer. The first econometrician fired, but missed, by a meter to the left. The second econometrician fired, but also missed, by a meter to the right. The third econometrician didn't fire, but shouted in triumph, "We got it! We got it!"

An economist is someone who doesn't know what he's talking about - and make you feel it's your fault.

They say that Christopher Columbus was the first economist. When he left to discover America, he didn't know where he was going. When he got there he didn't know where he was. And it was all done on a government grant.

It's like the tale of the roadside merchant who was asked to explain how he could sell rabbit sandwiches so cheap. "Well" he explained, "I have to put some horse-meat in too. But I mix them 50:50. One horse, one rabbit." [DARREL HUFF, How to lie with statistics]

The difference between an economist and a statistician: people believe what economists say about the future, but not what statisticians say about the past.

[capsmart]

Water
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards--NAIVE.


Broker
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


Borrowing
Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back


Being successful
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Success formula
I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure--which is: Try to please everybody.

[capsmart]

I admire Albert Einstein and here are some of his quotes

Everything that can be counted does not necessarily count; everything that counts cannot necessarily be counted.


Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.


Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex... It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.

You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else.

Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.

If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.

Information is not knowledge.

[Yick]

Here is one that was doing the rounds a couple of years ago, in the depths of the GFC, with banks going under and being bailed out etc.

Those would didn't see it at the time may get a bit of a chuckle ...



Japanese financial woes

Today Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday we learned that Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and in all liklihood it will go for a song.

Getting back to today, shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended soon after they nosedived.

Meanwhile, Samurai Bank is still soldiering on following sharp cutbacks. Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

On top of all this, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Finally, analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that many staff may get a raw deal.

[capsmart]

An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Greek village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna.
The American complimented the Greek on the quality of his fish and asked, "How long does it take to catch them?" The Greek replied: "Only a little while."
The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Greek said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
The Greek fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play cards with my friends, I have a full and busy life."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats.
Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution.
You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Athens, then London and eventually New York where you will run your expanding enterprise."
The Greek fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?" To which the American replied, "15-25 years."
"But what then?" The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."
"Millions ... Then what?" The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play cards with your friends."

[raa]

The last one is good enough to be referenced to Socrates. But the funny thing is: we all are happy in different ways, however all of us are unhappy in the very same manner.

[marc walton]

This was sent in by one of our many Aussie members, George.

At the end of the tax year, the ATO (Australian Tax Office) office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.. While the ATO agent was

checking the books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said,

"I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CEO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question

"We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO..

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the ATO office, and about

once a year they send us a complete prick."

[capsmart]

The Mirror

I look in the mirror

And what do I see?

A strange looking person

That cannot be me.

For I am much younger

And not nearly so fat

As that face in the mirror

I am looking at.

Oh, where are the mirrors

That I used to know

Like the ones which were

Made thirty years ago?

Now all things have changed

And I’m sure you’ll agree

Mirrors are not as good

As they used to be.

So never be concerned,

If wrinkles appear

For one thing I’ve learned

Which is very clear,

Should your complexion

Be less than perfection,

It is really the mirror

That needs correction!!

Edmund Burke, 1729 – 1797, Irish Philosopher.

[capsmart]

Top Ten Most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down...

by

David Letterman

10 . The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7 . Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..

6. Elvis is leaving the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.


And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....


1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.

David Letterman

[LEIGH58]

hey!!! you have been kinda quiet capsmart.....

we are missing you